Being friends

Everything can be a classroom. Every time something breaks our expectation or perceived reality, it retrains our mental model so we have more data to make sense of this world.

I once thought friendship means open communication, shouldering each other’s happiness and pain. But gradually I learn that it also means firm boundaries on what can or cannot be discussed. There are people who thrive in opening up to those they know, and there are also those who prefer to have a precise hand in what to reveal to whom. Surprisingly some might find it easier to reveal everything to complete strangers while keeping up a mask in front of those close. It’s like how you feel so relaxed in a youth hostel during a backpacking trip that you tell your whole life’s stories to a foreign travelers without any reserve. Because you know this is a one-time chanced encounter that will never become history or a real sustaining connection. Social networks is the modern evolution of such hostels, because the cost is switching from one persona to another is practically zero. We can be whoever we claim to be simultaneously in multiple places, and we are sure to hit up with those we find familiar and reassuring, all without real world repercussions.

I have a very light online social presence. It’s not that I don’t like sharing, but I prefer to share things in a self-hosted environment to escape the algorithmic platforms. And I still prefer real-world relationships and in-person settings where the relational and historic context matters. For me, relationship is built day by day, with all the things people’ve been through together in the past becoming the foundation of things they share and say to each other.